Lost and Insecure

So it's been a little while since my last post and I still don't have any readers. But you know what? That's really ok. I think...

Today This week So far this semester has been rough. It has had a lot of really great moments. But also a fair amount of shitty ones. I just got in a disagreement/argument/fight with my best friend "R". I honestly don't know what happened. Basically it started with mozzarella sticks and then turned into she loaned me headphones last week for something and I still had them. Which then escalated to she owes me money, which I am short on due to the fact that my job status is still up in the air, and that turned into how she always has to check me into her building bc OH YEAH! I DON'T LIVE WITH THEM! (another story potentially in this post but maybe not) and how I am always there. But I mean I don't see her coming and visiting my building. The only time I ever get to hang with her and my other friend "K" is when I am over in their room SO EXCUUUSE ME! Which then resulted in me waking out and our argument continuing over text.

But guys I don't wanna seem like a total crazy bitch so I will follow that paragraph with the statement that there are a lot of other contributing factors which lead to my childish outburst. And yes I can acknowledge that I did not act with the grace and poise that I possess. Let me also say for the record I am still learning to deal with conflict, I have never been very good at it and I generally avoid it at all costs. I typically take the blame for things to avoid a conflict. I have also been known to stay silent and put up with behavior that others would not tolerate. I tend to hold things in to spare others feeling but often I am the one who gets hurt through this practice. That being said I selectively confront others. Typically I confront people who have proven that no matter what they will not up and leave me. So as you can probably imagine, that list is very short, between two to five people are on it. Which leads to me not being very good with conflict when it does arise.

That all being said, I did follow up our disagreement/fight/argument/whatever-you-want-to-call-it with a text that read:

"No tonight wasn't entirely you. I acknowledge that there are a shit ton

of other things going on that contributed to me losing my temper.

I am sorry that I let them out on you. Please believe that. "MK" pissed

me off with her comment due to the fact that I already have many

insecurities about my physical appearance. Again I am sorry I am

still working through a lot of stuff. And I am sorry I let them out

on you. But it was not all misplaced. However it was not the 

appropriate time, place, or manner in which to communicate my 

feelings...No matter what you will always be my best friend. Even 

when I am mad as hell or you hurt my feelings, I hope you know that.

You have been there for me a lot and vice versa, nothing changes that.

Not even this."

On top of that all going on, I am back at school. Where I didn't really want to come back to at all, but no one would listen to me. My father is not answering or returning my calls. And my classes plus my extracurriculars are kicking my ass.

Time to schedule an appointment with the psychologist, because oh yeah I didn't tell you my home therapist and psychologist and mother are all concerned I may be developing a case of depression. So that's fun. Overall, I thought this blog would help me discover my voice and help me find me again, but honestly as of right now, I don't think I have ever felt more lost or unsure.

Quote of the day:

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a know and hang on"-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Well I think I am all out of depressing news for today.

TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now),

Little Lost Girl

Wrong Era

So not a new development in my life. I am positive that I was born entirely in the wrong era. I should have been born in like the 40's or 50's so that I could be a teen or twenty-something during the late 50's/early 60's. The clothes...scratch that everything was so much nicer then. Especially the clothes. Damn it! I wish I could go back in time...but alas time travel has not been invented yet, and if it had been I am sure it would be insanely expensive, and used by the government or something. No way it would be available to a girl who feels out of place in her decade.

On another note, kind of related but not really: Reincarnation...how does that work? Like it's 2011 now, if I died, and was reincarnated would it be in the future like say 2999, or is it possible to be reincarnated and come back in the past like say 1700's or something? And if you can come back in the past, does that mean that time is constantly cycling. Like in my world it's 2011, but is it possible that at this exact same moment in time it's only 1530 for someone else?

Is time travel even possible? I mean in the distant future? Or is it impossible, because time is just a moment, and once its passed you can't get it back ever?

Part of why I feel so lost, is partly due to the fact that I am living in the technology age and I am positive I belong in the jet age, or even the jazz age. When life was more glamour and less flash. Everything now is reality tv, and drunken escapades. Back then everything was sitcoms, and milkshakes. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I all alone in my desperate need to belong somewhere?

Quote of the Day:
"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid."-A. Einstein

That's all I gotta say.

TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now),
Little Lost Girl

Q but no A

So today's post may give itself away with the title. I have a lot of questions with no answers. Do you know how frustrating that is? <---Question #1 I guess. Most of my questions are specific to my life and where I am at currently, so I don't expect to get any answers. But then again maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. Here goes:

Do you know how it feels to feel forgotten?

Do you know what it means to be lost?

How can someone find something they don't know is lost?

Where do you start to look?

What if it isn't a thing you lost?

What if you yourself are lost?

Why is life so unfair?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Do bad people consider themselves good people?

How does someone go from good to bad?

And vice-versa?

Can people change?

Or are people at their core one unchanging way?

Why do people feel they need to be passive aggressive?

Am I the only one who thinks it's obnoxious?

What is everyone's obsession with Justin Bieber and his hair?

Why do some people have such an easy time and others struggle for everything?

I think that's enough questions for now. Possibly a weekly thing...who knows.

Quote of the day:

In the end all roads lead to the same end. So it's not about which road you take. It's about how you take it.

That's all I gotta say.

TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now),

Little Lost Girl

It Started with a Cookie...

A fortune cookie to be exact. On July 11th or 12th my parentals (mom and step-dad) decided to order Chinese food for dinner. Meanwhile, I was at rehearsal for a summer-stock production (for non-theatre people, "summer-stock" in this context just means a show done during the summer) of Footloose. Anyway the night before I had experienced a tiny breakdown (aka I was hysterically crying in my room all alone, due to life being a gigantic BITCH). At the end of the aforementioned breakdown I proceeded to beg (and I do mean BEGG) God (Catholic kid...please don't hold that against me, I am not even a very good Catholic to be honest)for some sort of sign that He is there and hasn't just abandoned me to face the BITCH that we all call life by myself. I said I would be on the lookout the following day and all I needed was a glimmer of "hey, it's all good I got you" and I would be satisfied. So, back to the Chinese food...the day goes by, and I get no sign that I have not been abandoned. Until that damn Chinese food...now I didn't eat any of it, but when I got home I was ranting to my step-dad about one thing or other, when he cracked open a fortune cookie and started laughing. I the very last thing I said before he started laughing was, "People suck"not unusual for a teenager to say. But he laughs and hands me the fortune he has just opened which says, ":) You take an Optimistic view of life :)" I kid you not the smiley faces and all. Now naturally this development didn't stop my rant at all. In fact, I proceeded to find a better fortune among the 3 cookies that were provided for my mom, step-dad, and me. So I open the second and it reads, ":) You take an Optimistic view of life :)," I just assume its a coincidence, then I open the third, which gives me the fortune, ":) You take an Optimistic view of life :)" That's right I asked God for a sign and He sends me fortune cookies...go figure. Then about 3 or 4 days ago I bought a bag of Dove chocolate, opened the first wrapper, and Dove chocolate always has cute little encouragement quotes and such. But I was having a rough day and I unwrapped the first piece of candy and the wrapper says, "Don't give up on yourself or your dreams" which probably wouldn't have been so strange except that I was thinking about quitting college, and those frickin' fortune cookies. So now apparently God has chosen to communicate with me through junk food, of course.

Inspirational Quote for the Day:
Don't be afraid of death, be afraid of the unlived life. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.

That's all I gotta say.

TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now),
Little Lost Girl

What's It All About?

In my last post I have explained how my blog is gonna be written. Now I should probably explain what I'm writing about...

If you are looking for a blog about: how to get the perfect life, make-up advice, the hot new hairstyle/fashion/music/movies, how to get the guy, celebrity gossip, a blog of silly anecdotes, or inspirational quotes. Keep looking, because this isn't it. Yes, this blog may contain entries that would fall into one of the previously mentioned categories. However, don't count on it being a regular occurrence. This isn't that kind of blog. I don't have a perfect life, so I am in no position to offer any advice on that subject. I can barely do my own eyeliner & mascara, so on the make-up advice, the best advice I can give is: Look somewhere else for it. How to get the guy? Hell if I know, my love life borders on pathetic, we'll get to more of that later. On the celebrity gossip front, try PerezHilton.com, that's where I get my info. I promise there will be silly anecdotes, because when it comes to my life, God has a terrific sense of humor. I am not here to sugar coat my life. If you are looking for sugar coated, look elsewhere. 

However, if you want to read a blog written by a 19 year old girl (that information is necessary for you when reading my blog) with real life experiences, then this may be the blog you want to read. My blog is about my life as it is, unedited (maybe), and mostly uncensored. It's about growing up, and how whether you are ready for it or not it happens. It's about finding out who your real friends are, and what kind of friend you are. It's about how fucked up life can be.

My blog is about who I was, who I want to be, and how I got lost along the way.

Who am I now, you may ask? When I figure it out I'll let you know. For now, I'm just the Little Lost Girl.

That's all I gotta say.

TTFN (Ta Ta For Now),

Little Lost Girl <3

Oh wait, one last thing...I'm gonna end each of my posts (starting now) with an inspirational quote. So here's one:

                     "I'm selfish, impatient, & a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."-Marilyn Monroe

Where to Begin...

I am not naive enough to think that I will gain some fame from this blog. In reality it is very likely that this blog will go unread by anybody but myself. What else can a Little Lost Girl expect? I'm not gonna write 5 paragraphs about who I am, what my hobbies are and all that bull shit. In fact readers, if you even exist, I probably won't give you any really information about who I am at all. It's more fun that way. I will change names, locations, etc if I need to tell a story, and I will refer to myself as Little Lost Girl. This way if the story I am telling is about "you" (in quotes, because you may or may not exist), and it is not a particularly nice story, or I say something mean about "you", "you" won't stop reading my blog, because I have offended "you", or if "you" are a guy I like who happens upon my blog, and I mention that I like "you", "you" won't know. See it's really safest this way, for all involved, no hurt feelings, no mean looks on the street, no awkward run-ins, and no avoiding one another. Lastly, hypothetical readers...if you exist please make yourselves known. Unless you are a mean spirited person, in which case you can go to hell and take your heinous comments with you. That's all I gotta say.

TTFN (Ta Ta For Now),
Little Lost Girl <3