Lost and Insecure

So it's been a little while since my last post and I still don't have any readers. But you know what? That's really ok. I think...

Today This week So far this semester has been rough. It has had a lot of really great moments. But also a fair amount of shitty ones. I just got in a disagreement/argument/fight with my best friend "R". I honestly don't know what happened. Basically it started with mozzarella sticks and then turned into she loaned me headphones last week for something and I still had them. Which then escalated to she owes me money, which I am short on due to the fact that my job status is still up in the air, and that turned into how she always has to check me into her building bc OH YEAH! I DON'T LIVE WITH THEM! (another story potentially in this post but maybe not) and how I am always there. But I mean I don't see her coming and visiting my building. The only time I ever get to hang with her and my other friend "K" is when I am over in their room SO EXCUUUSE ME! Which then resulted in me waking out and our argument continuing over text.

But guys I don't wanna seem like a total crazy bitch so I will follow that paragraph with the statement that there are a lot of other contributing factors which lead to my childish outburst. And yes I can acknowledge that I did not act with the grace and poise that I possess. Let me also say for the record I am still learning to deal with conflict, I have never been very good at it and I generally avoid it at all costs. I typically take the blame for things to avoid a conflict. I have also been known to stay silent and put up with behavior that others would not tolerate. I tend to hold things in to spare others feeling but often I am the one who gets hurt through this practice. That being said I selectively confront others. Typically I confront people who have proven that no matter what they will not up and leave me. So as you can probably imagine, that list is very short, between two to five people are on it. Which leads to me not being very good with conflict when it does arise.

That all being said, I did follow up our disagreement/fight/argument/whatever-you-want-to-call-it with a text that read:

"No tonight wasn't entirely you. I acknowledge that there are a shit ton

of other things going on that contributed to me losing my temper.

I am sorry that I let them out on you. Please believe that. "MK" pissed

me off with her comment due to the fact that I already have many

insecurities about my physical appearance. Again I am sorry I am

still working through a lot of stuff. And I am sorry I let them out

on you. But it was not all misplaced. However it was not the 

appropriate time, place, or manner in which to communicate my 

feelings...No matter what you will always be my best friend. Even 

when I am mad as hell or you hurt my feelings, I hope you know that.

You have been there for me a lot and vice versa, nothing changes that.

Not even this."

On top of that all going on, I am back at school. Where I didn't really want to come back to at all, but no one would listen to me. My father is not answering or returning my calls. And my classes plus my extracurriculars are kicking my ass.

Time to schedule an appointment with the psychologist, because oh yeah I didn't tell you my home therapist and psychologist and mother are all concerned I may be developing a case of depression. So that's fun. Overall, I thought this blog would help me discover my voice and help me find me again, but honestly as of right now, I don't think I have ever felt more lost or unsure.

Quote of the day:

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a know and hang on"-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Well I think I am all out of depressing news for today.

TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now),

Little Lost Girl